Having a "Good" Bye

Moving 8000 miles away to serve the Lord at a mission hospital is exciting and has its perks, but definitely comes at a cost.  One great cost is being away from your friends and family for a long time. We understood this cost when we decided to follow Christ to Kenya, but that doesn't make it any easier.  In the three weeks prior to our departure, we had no fewer than four going away parties, two with friends and two with family.  We wanted to see everyone one last time before we left, and we were pretty sure everyone wanted to see us too.  We love parties and who doesn't love a party in your honor!  It was like we had four graduation parties back to back, complete with food, gifts, yard games, and great conversation.  However, as each friend or family member would prepare to go home we were repeatedly faced with saying goodbye.  Often I struggled with the right words to say, as "goodbye" seemed too permanent. Many times I would say, "see ya in two years" or "see you when you come visit," trying to prompt some people to come visit us.  All those hugs, tears, macho guy hugs with the customary two slaps on the back, and parting words got me thinking about what makes a bye "good."

Erin and I did decide what a "bad" bye is.  A "bad" bye is when you hug and say, "We will see you again before we leave," and then you don't.  Sometimes you don't see them again on accident, but it is entirely possible that you could purposefully avoid them if you are really adverse to emotional situations.  Badbyes take away the emotional sting of the event but I wouldn't recommend it.  We were tempted many times to pull this trick on purpose, but if it happened to you it was purely an accident.  I even made a trip up to the hospital in Grand Rapids the morning of our flight because I needed to follow through and prevent a badbye.  I almost stood up my surgical mentor and friend, and that relationship was too valuable to snub.

A truly "good" bye allows both people to walk away knowing how they stand in each others eyes. Meaningful comments are exchanged, and you know that if you never saw that person again, he or she would know they are valued.  You both walk away without regrets of things unspoken.  The difficulty is that this can become exhausting, especially when you are repeating the event hundreds of times in a three week span.  We were inundated with goodbyes because of our situation, and the effect on our emotions was unexpected.  I thought we would be a basket case at each party, but the emotions slowly drained.  As good as it is to have these hugs, tears, and "I'll miss you" moments, it doesn't appear sustainable at such a high rate.  Think about it...what would it be like if every goodbye we said to each other was truly a "good"bye. Who says a "good"bye has to be limited to major events?  "Hey, thanks for letting me borrow your chain saw...and before I go back home, I wanted to tell you that you are an amazing person who I really enjoy being with.  You are a trusted friend and God will do amazing things in your life.  I can't wait to see you again."  Hey, anyone could get in a car accident and die, right?  And...this could create the potential for an unintentional badbye.  We SHOULD do this every time!!!  However, giving big hugs, sheadding tears, and telling someone how much they mean to you every time you part ways would be completely exhausting, not to mention quite awkward.  (I dare you to try it for a day...and then write a blog post about it.)  Just like most other things in life, "good" byes are best in moderation.  However, it is hard to move across the world and have anything in moderation.

In reality, we do miss everyone and look forward to seeing all our friends and family back home in a short two years.  If we didn't cry when we said goodbye to you, please don't take it personal.  It is just that all our dopamine and serotonin was depleted without time to replenish.

While we are gone, don't be shy at telling each other once in a while how you appreciate one another.  Make sure you reconcile your differences and don't go to sleep without smoothing things out with your spouse.  You should even share a big macho two slaps on the back type hug with your friends every once in a while.  You never know about tomorrow.  You may get eaten by a hippo and miss out on saying what needs to be said.